Rating: G
Summary: The senior staff unwinds by playing detective.
Disclaimer: Aaron Sorkin and co. own it all, I’m just borrowing. No money’s being made, no intent to infringe, blah blah blah disclaimercakes.
Author’s Notes: For Lesley, because she has even weirder fetishes than I do. Many congratulations on your new baby nephew! Also, a million thank you’s to Lesley and to Ryo for helping beat this damn thing into submission and for listening to me whine.
Distribution: At my site. Please ask before archiving.
“Maybe it’s full of snacks so he can get his energy back after harassing Republicans on the Hill.”
The look Sam shot CJ clearly showed exactly how plausible he thought this scenario was. “Snacks? What is he, in kindergarten?”
CJ grinned at the idea. “We *are* talking about Josh, remember?”
“Would the two of you please shut the hell up?” Toby called from behind his desk. Sam and CJ stopped talking, momentarily chastened.
“Although,” Toby continued, not bothering to look up from his computer screen, “CJ makes a good point. Capitol Hill is fairly steep, and for some unfathomable reason, Josh likes to walk there. Surely that would require, I don’t know, some granola or something.”
“Right.” CJ grinned triumphantly in Sam’s direction and settled back into the couch. “He needs to carb up for the hike.”
Sam leaned back into his chair and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. “I think you’re both nuts. Obviously it’s something more mundane.”
“Oh?” asked CJ.
“Yes. Like files,” he offers. “It could be filled with files for the meetings.”
“Again, we’re talking about Josh, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you think Josh is so organized that he’d plan ahead and carry his research with him?”
“Yes.”
“Josh. Organized.”
“Yes,” Sam insisted.
“Josh *Lyman.*”
“Okay, CJ, I see your point. But *you* think he’s going to pack some trail mix like a Boy Scout, so don’t go getting all superior with me”
“Hey–”
A tentative knock at Toby’s open door interrupted CJ’s retort. Three pairs of eyes looked over to see Donna standing just inside the doorway.
“Can I interrupt for a second?”
“Please do,” sighed Toby. “Maybe then we could actually go back to doing real work.”
Donna motioned toward the bullpen. “Do you need me to leave and come back later?”
“No, Donna,” CJ grinned. “We’re just in here bothering Toby. Feel free to join in.”
Donna smiled at the glare Toby gave CJ and stepped more completely into the room.
“What did you need?” Toby asked, abandoning his laptop with one last irritated glance in CJ’s direction.
“Josh just wanted me to ask you to hold off on finishing the President’s remarks for tomorrow until he has a chance to brief you on his meeting with Senator Jeffords.”
Toby let out a long breath and rubbed his forehead. “It went badly?”
“He didn’t say that,” Donna hedged. “But he did say that there’s been a ‘new wrinkle,’ and that he’d talk to you about it as soon as he gets back.”
“How descriptive of him,” huffed Toby.
“I wonder what he screwed up this time,” said CJ.
“Thank you, Donna,” Toby nodded, before turning his attention back to his keyboard.
Halfway to the door, Donna stopped suddenly when Sam called, “Hey, wait!”
She turned back, eyebrows raised in alarm. “Yes, Sam?”
Sam leaned forward intently and addressed her in a conspiratorial tone. “Donna, you are in the unique position of being able to settle the discussion we’ve been having.”
With the luck the Bartlet administration had been having, it was no wonder that Donna looked uneasy at his suggestion.
“Or,” Toby interjected, waving her off as he started jotting down notes on a legal pad. “Or, you can feel free to run away from these two lunatics so that you can actually get some work done. Then we’ll fire them and give you whichever of their jobs you want.”
CJ shot an annoyed glance in Toby’s direction. “Shut up, Toby. This will take three minutes. Probably less. And then we’ll leave you alone to grumble in peace.”
“What will?” wondered Donna.
“I would just like to say,” Sam began, “that if my prediction is correct, I’m sure it’s only due to your efficiency and not due to any organization on Josh’s part.”
“Well, that goes without saying, but thanks anyway,” she said, regarding him suspiciously. “So what’s the discussion about?”
CJ thought it was time to step in. “What Sam is referring to, Donna, is a very serious debate that we’ve been having regarding the contents of Josh’s backpack.”
Donna looked incredulous, and perhaps not for the first time, amazed that these were the people who advised the President of the United States.
“Josh’s *backpack.*”
“Yes,” Sam nodded. “CJ is under the misguided impression that he uses it as a lunch box to carry Rice Krispie Treats around the Capitol. But I know better.”
“You do *not,*” laughed CJ.
“I do.” Sam nodded with all the confidence he could muster.
“You do?”
“I do. I think it’s research and memos so he’ll be prepared for his meetings.”
Donna blinked a few times and then peered over at the desk. “What about you, Toby?”
Toby kept writing, and merely motioned dismissively in CJ’s and Sam’s direction. “I’m not participating in this little exercise.”
“Okay.” Donna looked almost relieved by this.
“Instead,” he continued, “I’m doing actual, you know, *work.* But if I were going to venture a guess, it would be that he’s carrying a change of clothes for the gym.”
Donna didn’t respond. She just continued to stare.
“Hey!” exclaimed Sam. “Maybe we’re being too boring. Maybe it’s a comic book collection.”
“Maybe it’s a change of clothes,” CJ offered. “Only it’s a dress and high heels.”
“Yeah, and maybe it’s his security blanket from when he was a kid,” grumbled Toby.
“I’ve got it!” exclaimed CJ.
“It’s about time.” muttered Donna.
“Maybe it’s one of those little black boxes with the nuclear codes!”
There was a pause while the three senior staffers looked at Donna expectantly. She stared back, her expression coming just short of disgust.
“You people realize that you run this country, right?”
“Yeah.” Sam had a bad feeling that Donna was going to tell them that they were all wrong. And, furthermore, that they were all stupid.
“Good. Because you’re all morons.”
“What?”
“You’re morons,” Donna repeated. “It’s a backpack. He carries books in it. I only *wish* I could get him to take his files with him. Of course, then he’d probably lose them, so I’d have to maintain duplicates, and I think it’s probably not worth the hassle. Also, I wish he wouldn’t hang his hat from it, but that’s a whole other issue.”
“Books?” CJ looked stunned. “He carries books around Capitol Hill in case he has some spare time to read the latest Oprah novel?”
“Are you kidding?” Donna rolled her eyes. “They’re books on physics. He likes to tell me about them and it drives me nuts. There’s nothing worse than hearing about physics, unless it’s hearing about physics distorted through Josh’s perspective. Now, do you need anything else? Cause I’m gonna get back to work.”
“No,” Toby answered after a moment. “Thanks, Donna.”
Thanks, Donna,” echoed CJ and Sam, as Donna flashed one last mocking look at the lunatics before turning on her heel and heading into the bullpen.
“Physics books,” said Sam dejectedly. “That’s so boring. I was hoping for something a little more interesting.”
“Hey, guys?” Donna poked her head around the door.
“He keeps the interesting things in his lower lefthand desk drawer.”
THE END.